The days continue to get harder..

Aleisha came home from the hospital on Tuesday. The doctors discussed hospice and they made their first visit on Tuesday evening. This was a familiar face as our mom's husband, Bud (our step dad) passed in May and this nurse was one of the great ones. Her name is Sara and she spent time assessing Aleisha and talking with her about how she was feeling. She then took the time to explain to the family and to Buddy how the meds would be arriving and how he wanted to set up the visits for the Nurse and the Aide. Some additional equipment will now be needed in the home as she requires more assistance. There will be no more alone times for her. Someone (probably 2 people when the kids are there) will be with her all the time. Her legs can no longer hold her, she has weakend tremendously. Her hands quiver and the right hand holds most of the strength. I tried to feed her pudding and she let me know that she still wanted to try that herself.....she is one strong willed woman! As her sister my personal goal for her is simple. I want to see healed, but should the Good Lord decide to take her in his arms, I wish for her to be seizure free while she is here, to be able to rest, to feel she is loved, and to hold on to whatever hope she continues to have....with every breath there remains hope...even if we think we are aware of the ultimate outcome we are not there until our breathing stops. That is my hope. Although I think Hospice is great (Im a nurse and I have seen them do awesome things for families) I think that talking about dying isnt for everyone...sometimes that is between a priest or minister and a person or even a person and their spouse. This family is supported by one another and we're all there for her..However she is afraid and to take away that tiny speck of hope isn't what its all about..especially not during the season of miracles. So I refuse to respond to her question of am I dying....my only response is that you are breathing.....as I am...with each breath we have life. The only way that can change is through the Lord. And that is my response.

Im going back home to see her tomorrow. Buddy (Husband) says she is sleeping most of the time now. Im hoping I get to talk with her just for a few minutes, but if not that's ok. This is not about me or anyone else..its about her. So we go and we smile and we rub her hands and legs (she likes that) and we appreciate the fact that we can still see her....and she is still breathing.